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Why You're Not Married...So Who Hurt you?




Making my usual rounds on social media, do you know what I see the most? Brothas and Sistahs fighting about who hurts each other more. Men are saying that women don't really want a man, and women are countering saying that they don't NEED a man. With this constant back and forth, I have a question...who hurt you?


Ladies, I see posts from you all the time talking about you're "healing yourself" or "God is still working on me." or "I have to work on myself before I can meet my Boaz." So how can you meet your "Boaz" if you are constantly putting down the opposite sex? Why would a man want you if you are always in battle mode? 


I saw a post about why women were single. A lot of them blamed their ex, but wouldn't elaborate what happened. Some were saying that their ex mistreated them or they just led you to believe that he was just narrssistic or abusive. And you know what...unfortunately this is true in some cases. And you know what...it can leave women in defense and battle mode for good. 


Examples: Trust issues, Privacy issues, Control issues..the biggest one being sexual issues. 


Because someone has hurt you, you have developed this attitude and it's not who you really are. You develop this personality to protect yourself. You give new men your represenative...and he also gets limited access. You literally give him your Google number or just your choice of social media inboxes as a way to get touch. (Easier to block him there right?)




He has to "earn" the right to get your real number. But yet if he texts you something that you don't like, he either gets left on read or worse, blocked. If he happens to get past the Google number stage and learns where you stay...you may be feeling great. Y'all might even have sex.  Everthing is great now.

Until he stops calling. Stops returning texts. Suddenly you can't message him on social media. He either blocked or deleted it. So now you're mad. Now every man is no good. Now every man is "a player or a hoe". But you can't get out of this cycle unless you stay single right?


I'm exhausted just by remembering all of this. So how did I get out of it? I was friends with my husband first.


I had been hurt. I had a string of boyfriends before I met my kids's father. After dealing with him, I was hurt hurt. You combine his hurt and the hurt from the men before him...I was a hot mess! If things didn't work with a guy, I tried to say it was all HIS fault. I didn't want to have accountability for why nothing was working. It was so easy to just point fingers and not look in the mirror. Why? Because clearly I had some work to do. First I needed to let go of the hurt. Those men weren't all bad or else you wouldn't have given them the time of day. 


Lastly, ask yourself if you were actually worth it? Meaning were you worth dating? Were you the best girlfriend? Were you the best version of you?  Or did you offer attitude, hard times and bubble gum? Let's face it...you ran out of bubble gum and didn't buy more. 


Epheisians 4: 22-24"That you put off concerning the former conversation the old man which is corrupt according to decietful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that you put on the new man which after Ahlahayam is created in rightousness and true holiiness. "


Have your pity party Sis. Get your makeover. Also get your mental health in order. Read your Bible and develop a relationship with the Most High. Allow Him to show you how to stop making new men pay for your ex's mistakes. 


I mentioned earlier how I was friends with my husband first. That happened organically. Not by force or super fast. Over time is how we became a couple. But it required letting go of bad habits and old behaviors. I had to understand that if I wanted to move on...I had to literally move on.


"You weren't expecting that.." 




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